Usually I strive to keep my posts short and sweet. You people are so nice to read my posts, I don't want to take up all your time. But today....there is so much I want to write. I need to write. I should warn you up front that this is going to be a downer, but I need to do this for myself. So...just stop reading if necessary.
What was the moment? We were eating lunch at Sea World. Matthew had a hot dog and a handful of fries. I knew the hot dog was about 20 carbs...the fries around 30-35. This would be easy for Matthew to figure out!
Here was our conversation:
Me: Okay...how many carbs do you think? (I was excited....I knew he could do this...easy!)
Matthew: I don't know? 20?
In that moment, the fog of diabetes faded away and I saw my life so clearly.
- Matthew does't care. He didn't even try. He could have figured out those carbs in a flash, but he didn't want to waste one second of brain power on it. I'm going to write a full post on this later in the week.
- And what did I discover about myself? I realized that I'm an awesome pancreas. Not perfect--oh I still make a lot of mistakes. But if I'm doing some major SWAGing, I'm smart enough to check 2 hours later and fix my mistakes. I've read books on diabetes. I've become a part of the DOC. I've connected with lots of D-Moms locally. I've worked my butt off to learn how to keep Matthew alive and I'm doing a pretty good job. BUT...I've paid a high price.
So many people have told me that I don't give myself enough credit for managing Matthew's diabetes. Kevin has said it....friends have said it....this was said at our last doctor's appointment and I found myself in tears.
I wasn't crying because I thought I was doing a bad job.
My tears are because I've learned to be a good pancreas at the expense of everything else in my life.
My body has suffered. Physically and mentally. My marriage has suffered. Our finances. Friendships. My relationship with God, while stronger in some ways, is worse in others. I'm not as involved in school....
Yes, I am a good pancreas, but everything else in my life has suffered. And I have no idea how to put the pieces of my life back together.
And I don't have time to think about that because there is always work to be done. Thinking about carbs and ratios and BG numbers and basal settings and supplies and IOB and pod changes and corrections and lows and highs and death (another teen died this weekend from type 1)....
Diabetes is never-ending...all-consuming....