It's been a CRAPPY diabetes day. And for no reason.
Yes, there was a site failure this morning, but for some reason, Matthew's BG wouldn't recover until 5pm tonight. He topped off in the 300s, spending most of the day in the mid-200s. Simply horrible numbers today. Normal food. Normal activity. No reason.
Oh the joy of diabetes.
But today it especially sucks because my parents leave tomorrow and I wanted this to be a fun day.
Instead, Matthew felt bad and had a stinky attitude.
Then I got a bad attitude.
Then mom and dad got frustrated with me. (Though they would never admit it!)
And I do understand. They want so much for me to be happy. For life to be okay.
They live out of state, so I know it's hard for them to see our new way of living. I don't think anyone can really understand unless they see it day in and day out.
And then.....how do you react to the crappy nature of it all? (Checking BG....weighing food...counting carbs....are you low?.....do you feel high?....did you bolus?.....)
But this is our new life. Good or bad, this is it.
Some days? Not so bad.
Other days like today simply bring me to tears.
I hate this disease.
I hate dealing with diabetes AND parenting.
I recently heard of a mom who got very upset because someone at school was making "bunny ears" behind her child.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She has no idea what it's like to check your child in the middle of the night and THANK GOD when the child moves....breathes....snores....rolls over....
Or worrying about kidney damage.....Eye damage....Nerve damage.....
I hate that people don't understand. ("When are you going to stop checking in the middle of the night?")
WHEN IN THE HECK WOULD YOU STOP IF YOU KNEW YOUR CHILD COULD DIE? If you knew all the kids that died this year. Kids with the very same disease?
I hate it when people tell you that everything will be okay.
NONE of this is okay!!
This disease sucks.
It ROBS you of the joys of everyday life.
It will never be okay.
UPDATE: I did not let D win today. By dinner, Matthew's BG was 104 and we made it a great night. Poop on diabetes. And thank you, Sweet Friends, for your comments. I don't know what I would do without all of you!
13 comments:
I'm sorry that diabetes stole your joy today. And you are right, it will never be okay and we can only do the best we can and remember that tomorrow is another day. But nothing I can write here will help, and I HATE that.
Prayers and HUGS!
Ditto to Joanne's comment. D totally ran off with your joy and that just sucks.
The only good part of the day is you knew if you wrote it all down in your safe place you would be among friends. Friends who 'get' it. Friends who will check at night and not bat an eyelash. Friends who would embrace you in a big bear hug upon meeting you (in person) for the very first time.
It's not okay, but D won 1 today. You'll get'em tomorrow.
((hugs)) I hate that your day got ruined by D, I hate that it stole your joy! I hate that Matthew's last day with his grandparents had to be spent like this. Though now that they "get it" a little better they know better how to pray for you and your son. They probably have a new loathing for diabetes as well. I'm praying that things get better for you and Matthew and you get to enjoy the rest of his break together joyfully!
Oh sweet Tracy. I so know the place where you are today. First off, it is so hard to reveal this part of our lives to others...even family. The "new normal" is not "normal" - it fucking (sorry for cursing on your blog) SUCKS! And, no there is not a nice way to say it so I say it like it is.
Days in the 200s and 300s are painful. Highs...stubborn highs are worse than lows for me. They are not always an "easy" fix. AND sometimes they stick around WAY, WAY, WAY longer than tolerable.
Hang in there friend.
Tomorrow, or the next day, or the next...will get better. It has to.
Love You.
Oh - I have been there soooooo many times. I'm sorry you've had such a rough day. It's so hard. And then when it feels like no one gets it.... It can push you over the edge. Hang in there, hon. I get it. I know. Go ahead and cry. And know that it's like the waves in the ocean.... The time comes in and it WILL go out again. (hugs)
Oh Tracy, I'm so sorry that D was such a stinker today! I know your pain, I know your sadness...I'm sending you some big hugs and a lot of love my friend :) Hang in there and let's hope tomorrow D plays nice and gives you and Mathew a break from the awful high bg's.
Glad to have caught this post after your update :-)....so happy that you kicked D's butt and all was better!
Oh Tracy I love you! You are so strong and you are the best D-buster I know! Remember "You light up my life, you give me hope, to carry on, you light up my days and fill my night with song" Matthew's childhood will be filled with as many wonderful memories of Tracy as mine were ;)
"Poop on diabetes" - lol.
I'm glad it ended up okay. I know the feeling of numbers making you cranky. I can get very cranky. And seriously, it's not for me to judge, but the silly little things that people get upset about. They should just consider themselves lucky they don't have anything serious to worry about and keep quiet.
I was so relieved to read your post script.
I'm sorry you guys hit a rough spot -- sadly we both know it won't be the last...sigh...
It's hard, my friend. It's so freaking hard...and makes me long for bunny ears.
Oh hon...I'm behind on reading blogs, but wanted to send you some hugs. It is so damn hard...and even when family is supportive and helpful, they still don't understand what it is to live with a diabetic child DAY IN AND DAY OUT. And the middle of the night. :)
I know where you are today! I have had way to many days like this lately! I can only hope that you know we are tehre beside you to understand and be there with you. I look at my friends who complain about the simpliest things and I think REALLY come on now...Im glad your day got better but it doesnt help the struggles you had eariler. Thinking and praying for you
oh, goodness! I can so relate to your post! The stress of having parents stay from out of town and the desire to enjoy every minute is enough, but then the high blood sugars and worry.... I get it. Last year (pre-pump), my son had 300 + blood sugars all day for no apparent reason while we were park hopping in Florida. I was stressed out! Some days are just bad and I think it is a healthy part of the grieving process to just say..."This SUCKS." And I am one of those proper moms who would never allow that word in my house before. I am glad you didn't let it get you and ended with a feeling of victory.
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